Saturday, January 21, 2006

To Whom it May Concern (Part Deux)

To the French Guy Sitting Across From Me at Starbucks:

Hi. I don't know you, and you don't know me, which is why I think it was very cool of you to motion me and my brother over to your table and offer us a seat last Sunday, seeing as how all the other tables in the establishment were taken and pretty much filled, and all we could do was sort of stand around with our trays, looking like lost 4-year-olds as we impatiently waited for our (very late) cousin to show up.

So down we sat. You went about sipping your latte, chatting on the phone to your French friend about meeting up later at Baiyoke to check out the BKK skyline while I went about picking up my fork and knife, ready to dig into my chocolate croissant. All was great! All was grand! Bon appetite and all that.

Until I went and began wrestling with my croissant, that is. And the word wrestle is so very apropos here, seeing as how it took a great deal of atrophied muscle to tear apart a nice bite-sized piece, only to watch in abject horror as a huge chunk of it went flying.

Yah, flying. As in across the table and ONTO YOUR LAP.

But you were very nice about it. So, so nice. All you did was pluck it off your lap, drop it onto the table, smile, and carry on with your conversation en Francais AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED AT ALL.

Someone else also acted like nothing had happened, opting instead to feign keen interest in his caramel frappacino and stare at me all confused, as though he'd never seen me before in his entire life even though we share the same last name, not to mention a lot of the same genetic DNA. Pfft.

You have no idea how grateful I am for this; how grateful I am that you didn't laugh at the way my face was heating up like Thailand during an April heat wave, or the way I was trying to frantically brush the stray croissant crumbs aside as if by doing so could hide the fact that I'd just sent a huge chunk of croissant FLYING ACROSS THE TABLE AND ONTO YOUR LAP.

So, thanks. I know I used to moan and bitch about all things Francais in high school, but I totally take it back now. Vraiment, mon ami. J'aime la France!!!

And by the way, in the future, when it comes to Starbucks, I am seriously sticking to the java and staying away from the chocolate croissants from now on. I've stomached a few dry croissants in my time, but AIRBORNE ones, too?

NOT FOR ME, merci beaucoup.

Gratefully yours,


To Ajahn ******:

Please know that it wasn't you your students were laughing at in class today. On the contrary, it was your audio-visuals.

You see, I understand that audio-visuals are very important to the entire learning process and all, but you honestly didn't think 80 not-quite-fully-mature-even-though-we-totally-think-we-are students would be able to watch an animation of an ejaculating penis without laughing just a little, did you?


You did?


We did try to focus on what you were saying -- really, we did -- but as mature as we'd like to think we are, you pretty much lost us as after the twenty-third loop of the, um, animated member. I was never very good at geometry, but even I know that the angle on that thing was, well, pretty impressive. Not to mention energetic. I know it was all the good work of pixels and graphics, but it looked more like the work of some digital Viagra. Tee hee.

Still, about the audio-visuls? Yeah, we totally appreciate the sentiment. Really, we do.

But you might want to reconsider the animated penis for next year's class. That is, if you don't want to spend a good ten minutes trying to get everyone to stop laughing.

Just a thought.

Sincerely yours,


To My Mom's Friend:

I know you're addicted to plastic surgery, you having been a former Miss Thailand runner-up way -- and I mean WAAAAY -- back in the day, but there really is a point when enough is enough.

What point would that be, you ask? Well, when you start to resemble the love child of Michael Jackson and Joan Rivers, well, then that's pretty much when you know you have to step away from the operating table lest you be forced to wear a mask and live out the rest of your days in the sewers of the Opera Populaire a la a much beloved Phantom.

And I'll have you know I'm not kidding about that part about the mask. I mean, I really don't think it was all that big of a coincidence that you and my mom's friend's 1-year-old daughter started crying when she saw you. All the adults quickly dismissed this as moodiness and crankiness...

But I knew the truth.

I knew why she was REALLY crying.

You might have been holding her oh so gently in your tender and very loving arms, but dude, it really doesn't matter. Because, I mean, the face? It's so got to go. Kids are very much in touch with their primordial fight-or-flight instinct; the very same instinct that saved our cavemen and cavewomen ancestors from fates worse than death many a century ago. And that kid's instinct? It was telling her to flee. Oh boy, was it telling her to flee. AS FAST AS HER LITTLE LEGS COULD CARRY HER.

But as bad as your rampant plastic surgery is, I have to say my biggest concern involves your headgear. Basically, GET RID OF THE HAT. Yeah, I'm talking about that huge straw hat you were wearing, complete with gauze veil and rainbow-assorted carnations and daisies. I seriously could not believe my eyes. I mean, that might be nice and very fitting for a day at Ascot, but for an 8 PM DINNER AT THE SHERATON???? I mean, what is UP with that?

Because that's just pretty f*cking ridiculous. Not to mention hilarious. You really can't blame the waiter for snickering while taking our order.

Concernedly yours,


To Boyd Kosiyabong:

Wow. Just WOW.

Had I had prior notice that your daughter attended my brother's school, I never would have gawked at you yesterday. Honest. And had I been wearing my glasses -- something that will never happen, since I never wear my glasses outside the house, classroom, or cinema -- I also swear I never would have squinted at you, as if to verify that, wait a minute, did I just see what I THOUGHT I saw???

Because it's not everyday you spot a famous and talented musician while waiting to pick up your brother from drama practice -- NOT, of course, to be mistaken with the plethora of Thai boy band and girl band members who used to attend my high school, and whose musical "talent" I always thought was just slightly suspect.

But besides the squinting and slight gawking, you want to know the really sad thing?

Here it is: it wasn't even you I recognized at first.


It was your daughter.

I remembered her from this.

Guiltily yours,


To the Politician Who Sat at the Same Table as Us at My Parents' Friend's Daughter's Wedding:

I know you think you're the greatest thing since Julius Caesar, but you want to know the truth?

You aren't. You really, really aren't.

Here's a thought: Maybe, instead of bitching and ratting about other politicians behind their backs for the entire duration of the evening, you could suck it up, roll up your sleeves, and ACTUALLY WORK FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE. You know, for the sake of your country and all.

Just a thought.

Oh, and can you PLEASE tell your wife that she
really didn't have to freak out and go all Mariah-Carey-on-the-verge-of-breakdown psycho when that waitress accidentally dropped some water on her Balenciaga bag? I mean, really. It was WATER. Not hydrogen peroxide. Although, now that I think about it, hydrogen peroxide wouldn't have been so bad after all...

Besides, it's not like Wifey ever uses her handbags more than once. God forbid she be seen using the same handbag more than once.

Oh, and another thing -- Khun Ying Balenciaga really didn't have to puff up and gloat about the new Chloe Paddington bag she purchased during her recent trip to London. I mean, PLEASE. Big freaking deal. They'll be all over Siam Square by next week.

Selling for a fraction of the price your wife got hers and looking JUST AS GOOD.


Smugly yours,

To Jennifer Aniston:

I told myself I wouldn't get sucked into the whole Brangelina hoopla -- me being a serious pop culture addict in need of some serious pop culture therapy -- but I really couldn't help it...

Especially when I heard the latest news about Angelina Jolie being pregnant with your ex-husband's baby!!!!

I was appalled. SHOCKED and APPALLED.

Actually, that's not true. Not true at all, because I so knew that Brad -- a TOTAL rat, even though he was pretty hot in Troy, Legends of the Fall, Meet Joe Black, and, well, OK, pretty much everything else he's ever starred in his entire LIFE -- and Angelina's relationship was anything BUT platonic the second I heard about your separation nearly a year ago. I mean, could he be any more of a rat? Everything from the scandalous W magazine photo shoot last summer to the recent adoption of Angelina's children has just been absolutely heartless. HEARTLESS and CRUEL.

But if it serves as consolation, I want you to know that I personally think Jolie-Pitt is a pretty unfortunate-sounding surname. I mean, Aniston-Pitt sounds so much cooler, don't you think? Yeah, I thought so, too. Plus, no amount of Tomb Raider could ever hold a candle to the awesomeness that was Friends. NONE. I am so on your side, Jen. Really.

I guess all I have left to say is...

Team Aniston For Life!!!

Loyally yours,


Currently Playing: Feel Good Inc by Gorillaz. This song was stuck in my head all day, so imagine how happy I was when it suddenly played on the radio this evening while driving home from class. Don't you love it when that happens?

Currently Reading: The Superficial. I told you I'm a chronic pop culture sufferer. Maybe this makes me shallow, maybe this makes me superficial. I don't care. Take away my Hollywood scandal and I suffer serious withdrawal symptoms.


At Saturday, January 21, 2006 4:09:00 AM, Blogger Elemmaciltur said...

hahaha, that cracked me up!

At Saturday, January 21, 2006 5:17:00 AM, Blogger no-i said...

Dear Lynn,

Thanks for the post today. It really puts a smile on my face on this gloomy/snowy friday afternoon. :) Love the way you look at everything, as always, especially that flying croissant. :) Who knows, being French and all, he might be used to seeing croissant everywhere, even airborned one.

But seriously, aren't you in dental school? You'll have to excuse my ignorance, but... I just cannot imagine the connection between that -uhmmm- animation and dentistry...

Speaking of friends... I just bought the whole complete 10 seasons boxed set of it. So much for trying to save up money this year. Seems like that's not going to happen. :)

At Saturday, January 21, 2006 5:52:00 AM, Blogger S said...

Homme francais says into le telephone portable: Oh la la. Une fille thailandaise me lance un croissant dans mon visage. Un croissant volant, quoi!!! Oh la la la la. C'est vraiment pas drole. Pas du tout. Zut alors. Mais il faut que je reste calme parce que moi, je suis un francais charmant, quoi!!!!!!!!

At Saturday, January 21, 2006 7:50:00 AM, Blogger naeglerian said...

Lynn, you are in fine form today. I tip my hat to you. Rest assured that the hat is perfectly devoid of a veil and floral arrangement.

I've taken it for granted that a good number of politicians in a certain SE Asian country have a life-threatening allergy to gainful employment, unless it involves, um, "eating," if you know what I mean. Does the boss-man really want to be like J. Caesar? We all know how that turned out. And March is around the corner...

I'll admit to having no idea what Balenciaga and Chloe Paddington refer to - except that whatever they offer is likely far beyond my budget and interest. At first glance, I thought that the latter might be a relative of a marmalade-loving teddy bear.

I can't believe you ate a croissant with a fork and knife. Living in the heart of the USA, I just can't accept it. What's next, corn on the cob? Arrgh! :P

At Saturday, January 21, 2006 9:42:00 AM, Anonymous lillian said...

lol what a great post !! :-)

At Saturday, January 21, 2006 9:54:00 AM, Blogger Baba said...

I was going to say... what you doing eating a croissant with a knife and fork?! What you do is, tear off a bit and eat it and so on, as opposed to stuffing it all in your face, or throwing it around Starbucks ;)

And what on earth was your tutor showing animations of ejaculating penises for?!?!?

Otherwise, tres drole indeed!

At Saturday, January 21, 2006 10:35:00 AM, Anonymous pan said...


nice one lynn!

At Saturday, January 21, 2006 12:05:00 PM, Blogger Katie said...

whaaa...? Animations of ejaculating penises? Did I miss something? Did the frenchman...? Damn. I need to go back and re-read that entry!


Note to self: click to continue reading

At Saturday, January 21, 2006 12:26:00 PM, Blogger Lynn said...

Kris & Baba: Normally I would have eaten my croissant sans fork and knife, but this particular croissant was sprinkled generously with powdered sugar. Seeing as how I didn't want it to end up sticking to my lip gloss, I opted for the fork and knife approach. Oh la la, if only I'd known the dangers involved with THAT...

Noi & Baba: The professor used the animated penis because we're currently learning about the wonders of the reproductive system. And Noi, I have no idea why we have to learn all this stuff in dental school. I mean, can you believe we also have to learn gross anatomy, physiology, and all the other pre-clinical subjects the med students learn?? =/

Swita: Continuing le homme Francais's internal monologue -- "Mon dieu! Ce n'est pas seulement un croissant volant, mais c'est un croissant volant avec sucre aussi! Oh la la! Il y a sucre sur mon pantalon! Les filles Thailandaise sont vraiment maladroit!

OK, it's me again. Since leaving high school, my Francais has turned tres mal -- if that's even possible, considering how so tres mal it was back then, but whatever -- so, um, pardon my French. But your impeccable command of the French language, ma cher, even after all these years, would make Messieurs Biais and Olivier sooo proud!!!

Katie: It would be a very impressive croissant if it were able to get the frenchman to, um, well, yes, go back and re-read the entry. ;D

At Saturday, January 21, 2006 5:17:00 PM, Blogger k.t.x said...

LOL. Funny!

hey Lynn, just becoz the croissant resembles some aerodynamic form, does not warrant u to fly it ala boomerang.....k? hehehe!

u must be blushing away huh? why didn't u be polite enough to say "pardon, pardon monseiur. je ne le veux pas dire"??? notti notti. lol

At Monday, January 23, 2006 4:48:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL Khun Lynn, why was your post one of the greatest things I've had the pleasure of reading in a really long time?

And again why are we freakish twins in that I've also had fights with dry Starbucks chocolate "cwa-sohn" (sans l'homme francais et his lap), and also been in awe of my mom's friend's plastic surgeries which they get done every trip to bangkok? I think we should make a pact now that we won't give into that when we're their age...

That is so amazing that you saw Boyd!!! Haha I'm sure he didn't notice the squinting, most likely he started blushing because a tres chaude young woman was noticing him ;)

For some odd reason the whole brangelina-baby-aniston triangle saga still doesn't shock or disturb me as much as the... kathaleeya - didn't know she was 800 months pregnant - ordeal :X

-Pam :)

At Tuesday, January 24, 2006 11:26:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

great post lynn.

classic - "but dude, it really doesn't matter. Because, I mean, the face? It's so got to go."

i laughed my ass off when i read that - something i would have said. =p

PS: I think all the politicians are like that so annoying - and their wives and their bags - i swear - you can feed a whole village in eesan with the crap they use for bags.

take care

At Tuesday, January 24, 2006 1:12:00 PM, Blogger Lynn said...

Definitely, Pam. Repeat after me: "I hereby vow not to engage in any nefarious plastic surgery that may render me Joan-Rivers-Meets-Michael-Jackson-on-a-really-bad-hair-day-ish. This is for my own good and for the good of all who may cross my path...namely poor defenseless babies."

Oh, and I also say we swear off dry Starbucks cwa-sohns too. :)

Bo!! Too funny. :) You know how they have that eyeglass donation campaign at all หอ่แว่น stores in the country? I bet if they had a similar campaign for khun yings and their designer bags, we could seriously lift this nation out of debt...

At Friday, January 27, 2006 10:13:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you made me sprout blood!!! dammit!

I'm still at the delicate stage of not being able to smile/speak/laugh at anything!

I shall wait till i'm fully healed before reading you again!


At Friday, January 27, 2006 12:22:00 PM, Blogger Lynn said...

Hahaha, koh tod na Kenna ja. :D

But seriously, I hope you feel better soon. Wisdom teeth SUCK!!!

At Saturday, January 28, 2006 12:58:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

thanks for the nice comment khun lynn :)

can i have your email address? no, unfortunately i'm not hitting on you haha but i wanted to send you the jolin song :P


At Saturday, January 28, 2006 6:23:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha, don't you think you are a bit stupid?
What you think you are?
I think you are such a stupid girl, something like Pamela Anderson when she was young or something like that. In the past I thought only fair-haired are stupid, but now i know i am wrong.

At Saturday, January 28, 2006 11:41:00 AM, Blogger Lynn said...

Pam, check your email.

Anon: I know you're that guy from Germany who made it his life's purpose to annoy the hell out of Ben and Oui last year. Don't you have anything else better to do than troll other people's blogs? I guess you really ARE a sad sorry loser after all. :)

At Saturday, January 28, 2006 1:31:00 PM, Blogger Ben said...

You're, like, sooo lucky Lynn. You can have him because we don't want him back :)

Think of him as a really contagious virus that gets passed to anyone you have contact with :)

At Saturday, January 28, 2006 1:45:00 PM, Blogger Lynn said...

Tee hee. Kind of like a STD, huh? ;)

At Saturday, January 28, 2006 3:30:00 PM, Blogger Oui said...

hahaha! So true Lynn :)

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