Friday, October 28, 2005

Crouching Daughter, Flying Tea

While having dim sum lunch with my mom at The Oriental the other day, I said something that made her laugh so hard, she sent chrysanthemum tea flying out of her nose and onto the front of my shirt.

Sadly, this simply made us laugh even more. It was tea waterworks galore.

In the end, I don't know who was left feeling more embarrassed -- me, with my lovely new tea-print pattern smeared across the front of my chest, or my mom, whose tea-spraying incident had been witnessed by everyone within a three-table radius.

Fortunately, we were having a late lunch, so only a table of confused Taiwanese tourists, a thirty-something couple out on a lunch date, and a semi-famous politician and his cronies were there to witness it.

The waitresses scurried away, leaving us to fend for ourselves. Mom dabbed at her face while I dealt with my tea-print pattern, feeling like a grade A idiot as I dabbed lamely at my chest while in full public view. Still, the laughter did not die down. In between hiccups, Mom managed to gasp out that Buddha was going to punish me for laughing at my mother during a time of crisis.

She's probably right. Everyone knows that one of the cardinal rules of Buddhism is: Thou shalt not laugh at Choking Mom.

I totally laughed at Choking Mom.

Despite running away earlier, the restaurant staff eventually returned and were very nice in that they offered to replace my now drenched red-pork salapao (due to sprayed tea from over yonder on Mom's side of the table) with a shiny new one from the oven.

A replacement salapao? Pfft. I could care less. I am appalled the restaurant staff did not at least attempt the Heimlich maneuver on Choking Mom.

Kidding aside, I am totally going to keep my mouth shut during meals from now on. Really. And I'm definitely gonna simmer down on the lame, dirty jokes, too.

Currently Playing: Goo Goo Doll's Dizzy Up the Girl album. This CD rocks, people, as does Johnny Rzeznik's voice. Dizzy, Slide, Broadway, and Black Balloon are personal faves, as is Iris (the perfect teenage angst song), but mostly because this was the first GGD song I'd ever heard, thanks to City of Angels (which was watched with my TLCAGS babes in 11th grade following a very memorable incident with a less-than-friendly makeup lady at the mall), starring Meg Ryan and Nicholas Cage, who my mom only ever refers to as "that guy with the really tense face who looks like he puad kee mak mak**."

Currently Reading: The dental student forum over at Student Doctor Network. After reading the The Top Tens that Indicate You are a Dental Student, I feel very fortunate in that I have not yet dreamt of being chased by a block of wax, nor have I started passing out dental floss to friends after meals. If I ever do, someone please slap me!

**Puad kee mak mak = Really, really needs to take a shit. Please pardon the vulgarity, but that's how we talk in my house. Plus, watch any random Nicholas Cage movie and you will see that my mom was, well, simply speaking the truth.


At Saturday, October 29, 2005 2:24:00 AM, Blogger naeglerian said...

That's just excellent...I remember one of my high school friends could be counted upon to blow milk out of his nose given the right situation. Nasal spraying opens up a vicious cycle of side-splitting laughter, so how can you be blamed for laughing at Choking Mom? But I wonder what kind of karmic retribution lurks around the next corner/noodle vendor cart...

And I'm glad to hear that I am not the only person who uses, um, mainstream versions of the Thai language at home.

PS - How is dim sum at the Oriental, anyways?

PPS - If anyone from Hanson has trouble with "puad kee mak mak" and ends up at my hospital, I will provide him the best of my consultative GI care, and tell him it's courtesy of his number one fan ever, Lynn, because our hospital motto is "Where incredible things happen. Every day. " Then I will send you the bill. :P

At Saturday, October 29, 2005 10:07:00 PM, Anonymous pan said...

so are you gonna tell us what you said that was so funny..?

speaking of hanson... they're gonna be playing at the university i work at on 6 november. sadly, i probably won't be able to sneak backstage and kidnap one of them, package him in a ventilated cardboard box, and ship him to thailand for you. but i'll let you know if that changes.

At Monday, October 31, 2005 4:37:00 AM, Anonymous Swita said...

Lame, dirty joke? Hahaha. It must have been pretty funny by all standards. Remember the one Mr. Sullivan (remember him, RIS? Australian? Sarcastic, red-faced, boney, Mr. Jarret's sidekick?) -- anyway, the joke Mr. Sullivan wouldn't tell the seniors at RIS until they had graduated because he claims it was too dirty. Well, he told us after graduation, and to this day, the joke is still pretty dirty. By anyone's standards. I hope you werent telling your mom that one.

At Wednesday, November 02, 2005 9:42:00 PM, Blogger Lynn said...

Kris: Dim sum at the Oriental is faaab. And thanks for the Hanson offer -- I still think it's so unfair they should be playing in YOUR town on MY birthday!!! :(

Pan: Um, the person the joke is about would probably kill me if I were to write about it here. But if I ever meet you in person, I promise to tell you!

And Hanson are playing at your university, too??? I swear the universe is seriously thumbing its nose at me! If you DO manage to get around to the whole kidnapping and shipping 'em over to BKK thing, I swear I'll pay you back every cent.

Swita: WHAT WAS THE JOKE?!?!?! I never had any classes with Mr. Sullivan (only Mr. Hair-Twirling, Miss Gannon-Dating Jarrett), but I'd remember him anyday (he used to shout at me whenever he caught me sneaking french fries in the HS hallways -- "You're s'posed to eat those in the canteen! Or in the bathroom, at least!!!")

Anyway, I'd love it if you could tell me the joke. Pretty please? :)

At Thursday, November 03, 2005 1:15:00 AM, Anonymous Swita said...

Hey Lynn! I totally wouldn't mind telling you the joke (you really need to hear it, for a couple of reasons. BUT I'm not sure it will be blog-appropriate. I might email you, unless you say it's okay to post it as a comment that others can read.

1.) SHOCK VALUE. I mean, it's the king of dirty jokes, with themes such as... um... all kinds of sex, incest, underage sex, using people for sex... um....

2.) BECAUSE AN RIS TEACHER WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD US THIS JOKE!!!! That's even worse. I mean, even though we did graduate, that doesn't mean we're ready to hear it!!

At Thursday, November 03, 2005 1:27:00 AM, Blogger Lynn said...

Aw, go ahead and post it here, Tweet! We might've graduated from a Catholic high school, but we spent our adolescent years growing up in BANGKOK -- if that isn't daily shock value right there, then I don't know what is... :P

Do tell!

At Thursday, November 03, 2005 1:33:00 AM, Anonymous Catholic School Gal, 2000 said...

Alright, here goes the dirty joke from our RIS days:

A teenage high schooler gets a call from her friends. Her friends are like: Hey! We need to go out to this concert tonight, but it's in another town, so you really need to ask your dad if we can use his car.

Girl: Ummm.... ok, I'll ask him, because I really want to go to this concert.

So Girl goes downstairs and asks her dad: Hey dad, can me and my friends, like, borrow your car tonight, like?
Dad: Sure honey, but only if you give me a blow job.
Girl: #$%^7!!!! Are you serious??? You're my DAD!!! WTF!!!!! NO WAy!!!!
Girl runs upstairs and cries, because her innocent childhood world has just been shattered to bits.
Girl's phone rings, it's her girlfriends. They ask: Hey, so did you, like, ask your dad for the car, like?
Girl: (still sniffling): Yeah, but he said I need to give him a blow job or else he won't give it to me, like!
Girlfriends: Well, give him one! We really need the car! Or else we won't be your friends!!!
Girl: Damn! Alright, I'll do it.

So, the girl goes, and um, does it. While she's doing it, she notices this brown, smelly stuff all over her dad's, um, thing.
Girl: Hey, what's this icky stuff??
Dad: Oh um, your brother's borrowing the car now.


At Thursday, November 03, 2005 2:18:00 AM, Blogger Lynn said...

OH MY GOD, my retinas are burning. That's probably God's way of telling me I'm on the fast-track to hell.


Actually, you know what? Forget it. I kinda don't want to know.


At Thursday, November 03, 2005 2:19:00 AM, Blogger Lynn said...

Oh, and that lame, dirty joke I told my mom?

It's still lame, but not so dirty in comparison now...


P.S. The word for the word verification thingy is ehfEWyx... how apropos!

At Thursday, November 03, 2005 1:31:00 PM, Anonymous pan said...

wait... i'm confused... hanson is playing where on your birthday? when is your birthday? and then they're playing at my university too? i didn't think there were that many hanson fans arou... wait... forget that last part.

and you have to verify when you comment on your own blog? but you're YOU!! silly computer.

At Thursday, November 03, 2005 1:39:00 PM, Blogger Lynn said...

According to the Hanson Tour schedule, they're playing in Milwaukee on my birthday (Nov. 19), which is where Naeglerian lives. They also played in my cousin's town (Allentown) on Oct. 26th, which is sheer torture to me because I'm stuck here on the other side of the world. In an even bigger twist of fate, the one time they should ever come to Thailand (July 2004), I didn't find out until the day they were leaving. :(

Heh, yeah, I have to verify even when I post. I turned on Blogger's word verification option to ward off those evil spam robots.

At Friday, November 04, 2005 12:36:00 PM, Anonymous pan said...

wait a sec... hanson is at patchogue theater on the 6th??? that's not my uni!!! that's a really rundown theater 30 minutes south of me. i worked there once. i vowed never to return again cause i almost got electrocuted to death. anyway, i'm sorry to hear about your hanson troubles... i really would have stolen a hanson and put him in a box for you.

sorry i keep polluting your comment page! ;)

At Saturday, November 05, 2005 9:26:00 PM, Anonymous caroline said...

hiya lynn! uhh...hope your mum's over the gek-huai episode at the oriental and u've REALLY begun to keep your mouth shut during meals. j/k...damn! we still havent had the chance to meet up yet..hope we do soon..cant believe i've been back over a month and we still have gone crazy and embarrassed ourselves somewhere in bkk...

At Friday, November 11, 2005 4:58:00 AM, Blogger Wenny Baby said...

hey, lynn that was funny. couldn't stop laughing.

by the way, i finally did your survey!

how are you by the way?

At Friday, November 18, 2005 4:56:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey wanna know something?
I pooped and barfed within like 1 minute apart!


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